


Story time with Skwisgaar

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, Gen, References to Lord of the Rings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-27
Updated: 2013-06-27
Packaged: 2018-03-17 00:45:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3508835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skwisgaar partially retells Lord of the Rings rather badly, to the other guys’ amusement.<br/>A while back I had the thought, what if J.R.R. Tolkien was dyslexic or something and Bilbo was actually named Dildo?  Anyway, that led to this.<br/>In my head, Dethklok has another room with more seating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Story time with Skwisgaar

Toki stared at the text on his phone, Pickles said to get there as fast as possible but he _really_ wanted to finish his plane he was working on. But it might actually be important, or maybe something bad had happened? With a sigh, Toki got up and headed to find out.

He hadn’t gone far when he ran into Nathan, who looked excited. “This is gonna be awesome! Hey Toki, you’ve never caught one of Skwisgaar’s storied before, have you?”  
“Uh, noes?” Skwisgaar told stories? That was news.  
“Okay, this is important! You can’t ask questions and shit. Whatever he says, just go with it.”  
“Okays?” He had no idea what to expect.

Murderface was already there, sitting in a chair and grinning hugely in anticipation. Pickles sat beside Skwisgaar on couch. Nathan moved to the opposite couch and pulled Toki down beside him.  
Pickles glanced at Toki, then gave Nathan a questioning look. Nathan just nodded.  
“Whats-“ Toki began, but Nathan elbowed him in the ribs.  
“Shhh.” Whispering softly, he added, “Only Pickles can talk to him, just keep quiet.”

Pickles was giving them impatient looks, when Skwisgaar got like this ever second counted, it was a rare and wonderful thing. Well, potentially anyway.  
“Alreet, so you were sayin’ how Dildo gave ‘em tha ring?”  
“Ja, dere’s dis big celebrations t’ing goings on, an’ Dildo gives Fido, who ams his kids or his nephews or somet’ing, dis ring an’ den he jus’ disappears.”  
“ _Fido?_ ” Toki got another elbow in the ribs, at least Nathan was nudging and not jabbing. He shut up.

“So Fido goes in his house hole an’ talks to dis wizard dude, Rudolph the Whites. An’ he’s all, ‘Heys Fido, throws your ring in de fires and see if it does somet’ings cool.’ So he does, and Rudolph is, ‘Shits, dat’s one bads ring dere, now you gots to go throws it in dis one particulars volcano dat ams real far aways.’ An’ Fido don’ts even questions it, he t’inks it ams goings to be a greats adventures.”

“De next day or somet’ing, Fido an’ his bestest friend Sandwich sets off to go finds de volcano. Dey walks for a longs time an’ I t’ink takes a boats too... Den Fido gets by himselfs and starts dying for some reasons, an’ Liv Tyler comes an’ saves him. She ams reallies hot. She ams an elvis and she taskes him to all her udder elvises. Rudolph is dere and he ams all, ‘I tolds you to takes dat to de volcano!’ and Fido is, ‘I needs more friends!’ So dese udder people who ams randomly dere volunteers to goes too.”

“What other people?” Pickles prompted him. “Tell us ‘bout them.”  
“Ja okays, Dere’s dis one real importants guy names Strider-“  
“Homestruck!” Toki got elbowed again.  
Skwisgaar glanced over at him, frowning distractedly. “Maybies? I never reads dat.”  
“Cahm on, ignore ‘em. Tell us more.” Pickles shot Nathan a look that said _’Keep Toki quiet and don’t let him ruin this for all of us.’_

“Dey gots dis Strider, an’ an elvis names Legless, an’ a dwarfs guy names... Fucks I can’ts remember, but he gots red hairs so we’ll calls him Fat Pickle. Dey leaves the elvises an’ finds dis cave by a lake an’ goes through dat. I t’ink dis ams de same part? Dere ams a long stone bridge t’ing over lavas, but dis ams not de lavas dey ams looksing for, so dey has to crosses it. Rudolph goes lasts, but dis devil guy comes out of de lavas an’ breaks de bridge an' dats it for Rudolph.”

“Den... for some reasons dey all splits up. Fido an’ Sandwich goes one ways, an’ Strider, Legless, an’ Fat Pickle goes anudder. Fido an’ Sandwich meets dis t’ing names Dobby who t’inks everyt’ing ams jus’ precious. Kinds of creepy actuallies, but he says he ams knowing de ways to the right volcano so dey teams up wit’ him.”  
Skwisgaar paused, clearly trying to remember the story. Pickles just waited.

“Okays, dis happens a lot but it ams importants. Whenevers Fido puts on de ring, he goes all bad trip with screaming black ghost t’ings. But he keeps doesing it anyways? An’ now he ams looksing half deads, an’ Dobby eats all de food, an’ Fido almost gets eats by a big spider...”  
“Cahm on dood, you gat this far. You can do it!”  
Skwisgaar shrugged, clearly whatever cocktail he was on that had triggered this was starting to wear off. He didn’t know how it worked, just every very rare now and then he wanted to tell stories. He could take the same shit a thousand times more and it likely wouldn’t happen again.

“Tell us what the other guys’re up to.”  
“Um, I tries? Strider, dey finds out his name ams actuallies Acorn an’ he ams somehow de king, not sure how dat works. Dere ams udder kings too. An’ some guy names Brony, I t’ink?”  
Nathan preemptively elbowed Toki, who gave him a hurt look. Nathan made an apology face.  
“An’ dis blonde lady, likes Brienne. I can’ts remembers her names, I calls her Brienne. An’ Rudolph’s not deads after alls. Oh an’ dere’s did big glowing eye t’ing way up high, de Eye of Saran. An’ orcs, too many orcs. An’ trees dat can gets up and runs and kill peoples, because why de fuck nots.”

“Thet’s tha best you can do? You remember more!”  
“Nots reallies, dere was too much goings on all over de place an’ I gots kinds of losts. But anyways, dere ams dis ghost king guy dat no man can kills, an’ dey all has to fights him and his orc army. Acorn goes in dis mountain an’ gets all dese ghost guys to come fights wit’ them so they’s not as outnumbers. I reallies can’ts remember... I t’ink dere were dese big tings in de fight dey had to trip, but dat was Star Wars, or maybe it was boths?”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, jest go with what you remember. Wanna ‘nother beer?”  
“Ja.” Skwisgaar took the beer and drained it, storytelling was a lot of work. “I knows none of de main guys dies, excpets Brony. I t’ink he was a bads guy though. Brienne goes up to de ghost king guy and he ams, ‘Pfft, no man can kills me,’ and she takes off her helmets and says, ‘I ams no man,’ and kills him deads. Den de fight ams over an’ everybody’s standings around like nows what? Oh, Acorn is de king of I guess everybodys now?”

“But what about Frodo?”  
“Ja, Fido an’ Sandwich an’ Dobby finally gets to de rights volcano. Fido goes to throws de ring like he ams supposed to for some reason, but Dobby gets all, ‘My Precoius!’ again and bites Fido’s finger off because he ams wearings de ring again even though bad shit happens every times. So Fido goes all Sarah Conner on Dobby and kicks him into the lavas an’ de ring melts and it ams all overs. Den dey goes back home an’ Sandwich gets marrieds and dey all pretends not’ing ever happens except now Fido can only counts to nines.”

Skwisgaar studied his empty beer bottle. “Dat’s all. I’s goings to go takes a nap.” Setting his bottle carefully on top of Pickles’ head, he got up and wandered out.  
Pickles removed the bottle and tossed it on the couch. “I tried. You shoulds gat here faster, you know he’s only good fer so long.”  
Nathan shrugged. “He did pretty good.”  
“I thought it wasch quite excellent myschelf.” Murderface stretched like he’d sat through a long movie.  
Toki wasn’t sure what to think, and decided to go finish his model.


End file.
